its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
