i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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