He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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