Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
