i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can't put those talents on a resume
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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