there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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