just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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