I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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