Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
