Umm I'm too high to move.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
