My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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