i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
