my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Randomize
