Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
