They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
