I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
