I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
