I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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