My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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