I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
