i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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