i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
