I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
