Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
