I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
