Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
