he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
