Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
