I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
