Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
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