Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
