I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
