i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
