I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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