Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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