Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
