Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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