the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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