dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
