He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
