Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
