um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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