WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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