did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
