The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
