Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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