remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
