Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
