my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
