Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
