at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
