Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
